Ten (Writer) Commandments: What not to do...
by Karen Pruitt Fowler

A humourous look at how to get published and tips for ensuring your success...

While working on a writing-type article the other day, it occurred to me that I was indeed helping to flood the market with aspiring writers. Now, why in the world would I want to do that? The competition is stiff enough without every Tom Clancy clone querying the same publications that I am working on.

Secretly, I hope (and I’d bet my outdated computer that other writer’s think like I do) that the world would experience a cataclysmic literary event. When this happens, every writer (except me, of course) would instantly drop thirty IQ points, find it impossible to create a coherent sentence, and ponder the question "What does all of Blue’s Clues mean?" instead of weaving the newest blockbuster novel.

That said, I have strung together a list to help a virgin writer break into the publishing world. If you apply these ten tips, I guarantee writing success of liter-o-nomic proportions. (And if you believe that, maybe I did get my cataclysmic wish!)

• When submitting to publications/editors/agents always send in your work by regular mail, by fax (no matter the word count) and by email simultaneously. This ensures the work will be taken seriously.

• The day after you send your work, call to be sure it arrived safely. Call everyday until you get confirmation from the editor/agent that it has indeed arrived. Do not take the secretary’s word on it.

• Throw all the rules about grammatical appropriateness, point-of-view shift, length and punctuation right in the trash. No serious author adheres to mere rules.

• Never study the guidelines before submitting your work. You’re work is so good that it will be picked up immediately, even if you’ve sent a gothic mystery to Family Circle.

• You don’t need an agent. Only you truly know how much your work is worth—so you should do all the negotiating about rights, advances and contract legalities. I mean, how hard could it be?

• You can make loads of money being a writer. If you are considering it—then do it. Now! Just go ahead and quit that boring job you’ve been locked into for years. I promise that the money will start rolling in before you can hand in your resignation.

• For the people that like to remain financially secure, don’t worry. Did you know that banks and credit card companies will actually pay you when you become a writer? Yes, I’m afraid the world does indeed place writers on a pedestal, and once you cross that literary line, you’ll get a free ride to publication-dom.

• Make your submissions stand out of the pile once placed on an agent/editor’s desk. Forget the plain white paper. Instead, send a cute handwritten note on kitten stationary, the cheesier the better.

• Don’t forget to add a generous splash of your favorite perfume to the envelope. There is nothing like a noxious odor to grab the recipient by the nose and to make them take notice of your work!

• While we are on the subject of envelopes... Never include a SASE with your submissions. This is clearly the mark of a writer who does not have full faith and confidence in his writing. Only a wannabe assumes the form rejection letter will need a return envelope.

So what are you waiting for? Just jot down the first thing that comes to mind, no matter if it makes any sense, and send it to a dozen or so publications. In no time at all, agents and editors will be beating down your door for more tidbits of your literary prowess!

Copyright © 2003 Karen Pruitt Fowler. All Rights Reserved.

Karen Pruitt Fowler is a full-time writer and freelancer, and is also the founder of Elizabeth Raye Media. She writes for local /regional publications, is the editor of BellaOnline’s Infertility Site, and has written for AbsoluteWrite, Baby Café, the Animal News Center, The Traveler, and Cat Fancy. Visit her site at http://www.elizabethraye.com